Happy 19th Birthday Danny

 

19 years ago my identity changed. I went from Woman to Mother. Mothering Daniel  has never been easy but it has been worth it. When he was an infant and toddler I never knew his challenging behavior was due to his Autism. He has taught me so much. The patience I have with children started with him. I worked with children before he was born but my outlook changed after I had him. I felt more of a connection with parents. Especially when parents seem at their wits end with a child who won't sleep or who is not meeting society's expectations of a two year old I can understand. Danny is now an adult by Alabama's standards. More than likely he will continue to live with his father. I wish his father would try harder at helping Danny to become independent. But, honestly his father is not good at that. I probably won't be posting much about Danny from now on. He is an adult and as a mother I can give him his space. I hope he will come to me one day if he needs me. I will always be there for him..... 

17 months old

 

Etta is making a lot of progress. She is so sassy. She is not sleeping as well as I would like. But, she is meeting new milestones.

Earth Day

To brighten my day

As I sat in the sun during my lunch break I decided to run across the road to see what was growing in the field nearby. Spring..... ahhhh......

Lyn my daughter, mother to be

 

Yes, that is what I said. I love my eldest daughter. She is smart, beautiful, hard working, a bit of a typical know-it-all teenager, sassy, expecting mother-to-be. I am not disappointed. I am not angry. I am not scared. I am just well, me....

 

I support her in her decision to carry a child and raise a child. I am excited to be a grandmother. I am still nursing my youngest but I will welcome my grand-daughter into my arms as I am still mothering my own children.

 

The cycle of life is wonderful and hard and if it did not continue why are we here...?

Annika's tree

 

I think I posted about Annika and her tree last year when it started to leaf out in the Spring. Here I am again with the reminder of my lost daughter. I have tried to communicate with her. I invite her to spend time with my side of her family. She refuses. I almost wish she would just be angry but she is just strange when we talk. Like the water symbol that the willow can be seen as she is just an empty vessel. She is filled with what she is surrounded by. I bought her a birthday present for her 13th birthday and was going to attempt to celebrate with her but I believe it will just not happen. I try and try to just let go because that is what she wants but she grew within my body and it is hard. Knowing that she just doesn't see me or her siblings as her family probably makes her father very happy. It was always a goal of his to have children but not have to "deal with" a mother for them. Well, he got it.... It may backfire on him and Annika may regret turning away from her mother but we all have regrets....

Lyn the thespian...

 

I watched Lyn last night at her school play. She was the understudy for a main part in the play and the understudies got to perform for the last showing of the play. I am biased but she was awesome!! She has worked hard for months with her theater class and it showed for all of them. I know I could not have done what she did....

 

So proud of her.....

Symbols of Beltane

A lot can come to mind when you think of this time of year and Beltane. Fertility is one of them. Literal fertility of encouraging conception and also just fertility of the world around us as new things are growing during this season. Fertility and creativity of thought is also something to think about during Beltane. I chose this Mother figure and these chalices to represent the welcoming female aspect of the concept of fertility. If you look closely the clear chalice has a thistle on it. Thistle and burdock plants hold a lot of meaning for me personally. If I had to pick a talisman plat it would be a thistle. It just feels right to me. They are such a functional helpful plant and herb especially for breastfeeding mothers but they are a tough plant to love. They are prickly and can cause wounds if not harvested properly. They are in bloom this time of year. I need to harvest some for May Day and for my own collection. I finished working on my ceremonial Maypole and I have a picture of the wreath for it pictured here. I think I will practice with the kids this week on a dance around the Maypole. I'll get more pictures of it then. I wanted to show my mortar and pestle here that hint at a yoni and phallic shape. Sorry to be a bit frank but it is a celebration of fertility..... 

 

 

 

What's growing

My mood is very negative lately. I am trying so hard sometimes to find just a glimmer of positivity

some days.  Sitting outside after work because it was so warm in the house it started to rain. My solar globes started to come on so I was inspired to take some photos. Some flowers are randomly growing around my favorite tree, my tulip poplar. My fennel and lemon balm is coming up and my rosemary and rue are flourishing. My lavender is a bit sad but it isn't dead yet. I just can't keep lavender alive....

Sunday.....

Some super finds for Etta..

Etta tried out her riding toy. She is still a bit small for it but she enjoyed trying it out with Granny....

My wild and crazy night

Harvesting juniper berries

 

Juniper is one of my favorite evergreens and conifers. It is fun trying to convince the kids that the berries are actually cones. They smell so nice. I have had some drying all winter. I had the little kids pick them from the dried branches. The color is so vibrant...

Some perspective today...

Eliot's tree.....

 

Eliot's redbud tree is blooming and flourishing. It will look so nice when it reaches its full growth. It is beautiful now....

Books for my girls....

These books are such a good read. Anything with little girls that remind me of my daughters and trees make my list easily. Eliot and I read them and they just warmed my heart. Eliot and Elaina love to climb the tree sized shrub in our backyard. We have planted both maple and a willow tree in our yard. It is bittersweet that the willow tree is flourishing. It is / was Annika's tree.... My lost daughter just will not leave my heart. 

Bennie

 

Ben has moved up to the preschool class at my school. He is fascinated by the two aquariums in his class. I warned his teachers that he could really talk their ear off. They are beginning to believe me.

Flower Communion and a family egg hunt

First Full Moon After the Spring Equinox

The kids were really enjoying the evening running around the yard. There is nothing like watching the moon rise over the trees in the candle light. Happy Spring.....

The meaning......

 

This is one of my favorite banners. It depicts nature scenes such as the ocean, the earth, space, animals, and fruits of the land. I bought it purely because of its non-religious nature. As a Unitarian Universalist who is a secular Pagan (in a lot of aspects) I support our planet as our nurturer. It was up in the nursery class at church when I worked there full time but as I stopped working every Sunday I decided to move the banner to my regular classroom at my day job. The owner of the daycare where I work is a Christian and plenty of the parents that send their children there are Christians. Several parents complained that this simple nature banner depicted Wiccan symbols. I nearly turned in my resignation when I was asked to take it down. I was upset because it clearly is not Wiccan and even if it were who cares. One child was not allowed in my class for fear of "non-Christian indoctrination". Other children were steered away from me and my class but the majority of the families never noticed the banner going up or coming down. My frustration is that all of the Christians that I work with lead such non-Christian lives full of greed and hierocracy and my attempt to just bring nature into my classroom is "evil". I have to keep so much of my inner self buried that my stress level is sky high. I try and try but being true to oneself can cost you so much. I wish I had the courage to find a job that supports me emotionally but then I remind myself it is called work for a reason. Some lucky few are able to have jobs that nurture them. I am not so lucky......